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 OUT IN THE WILD, DEEP HILL COUNTRY ARE DARK AND LOATHESOME TERRORS. TWO LUSCIOUS LADIES VANISH, SERVED UP AS REDNECK PLAYTHINGS!

Hello there, officer! Mighty strange seeing one of you city folks up here. Now don’t you look fine and chipper in that nice uniformy get up and them fancy motorized wheels? Mind helping yourself to some of my fried fritters and powerful strong liquor? No? Well, suit yourself. Now what is it you got a mind for, coming all the way out here? Don’t see much of your kind in these parts. Most of us hill folk, we keep to ourselves, never mind bothering with them latest fashions or high falooting trends. Ain’t got much value out here where there ain’t no “cell phone reception” or “wi-fi connection.” Heck, I hear them satellites can’t see too good through the thick tree cover. Is that why you’re here?

 What’s that? What’d you say? Two pretty girls gone missing? Why that’s a powerful shame. What’s their names? Megan and Madison? A blonde and a brunette gone biking in these here deep woods and ain’t been seen? Why no, officer. I ain’t seen nobody matching your description, though these old, hillbilly eyes might not mind a pretty sight like that, all juicy and precious and all. I hopes you catch my drift, but we got some queer folks that live in these places. Some powerful, unnatural types that never wandered out of old Appalachia since the war. No, not that war, earlier than that. Even earlier than that. Yessum. Abouts that old.